The Past Four Years: An Existential Crisis and a Reflection of Sorts

Now that we're staring the end of a very large chapter of all of our lives dead in the eyes, a lot of questions are brought to mind. First, what the hell do we do now? Second, what just happened? And third, something I would like to focus on most, what would we have done differently?

I'm sure you've sat with a close friend late on any given evening this year and considered the latter carefully. If I could somehow flip a switch and be on the bus to my first day of freshman year once again, how would I do things? What would I change, knowing what I know now? If you could tell your freshman self, apprehensive and nervous in your beginnings as you were, any piece of wisdom that you've learned over these past four years, what would you say?

Personally, I've thought about this a lot lately. I've considered all of the experiences I've had at Gahanna Lincoln High School both inside and outside the classroom and I really haven't come up with any definitive answers to these questions. What would I change? How would I handle things differently? My first revision would definitely be something along the lines of a drastic wardrobe change early in my freshman year. But, honestly? I'm not sure what I would adjust.

One thing I've learned outside the halls and walls of Gahanna Lincoln is that any experience is good experience. Our great humanity is simple and plain and without the experience of life, both good and bad, what's to live for? If it weren't for everything you've ever lived through, would you have ever really lived? I think that the very fabric of what it means to be human is simply to experience and to learn. There isn't another place I would have liked to experience more than Gahanna, as much as I tell myself I'd love to get out of this town.

The universe has a very odd way of going about things and I think that we are all very fortunate, on a cosmic level, to find ourselves in a city like Gahanna. Our tradition and pride is effervescent. Guys, we still have a sign posted at the end of US-62 from 2007 Money Magazine that displays proudly, “Top 100 places to live.” If that doesn't speak volumes about this place, I don't know what does. Contemplate for a second just how lucky we are to be from Gahanna.

In our halls, I've stumbled upon another great life lesson. We're all well aware that our school is slightly crowded, containing more than 2000 students. The hallway is a madhouse between classes and each of us have a very determinate six minutes to hike the treacherous halls of each building, only to scale three floors to make it to the top of C building. I've been here for four years and I still can't manage to do it effectively, but I digress. We've all walked those halls, some much slower than others, in order to reach our final goal of making it to class on time. But isn't that life? Stumbling and rushing through the eternal madhouse in search of our destination? No matter how slow the group in front of you is walking, no matter how many times you get hit with the auditorium doors as a band or choir member blindly thrusts into the hall, and no matter how far your final journey's end will be, that six minutes is all you have. Life works similarly, and as seniors we're just beginning to grasp the reality of that metaphor. We're all walking the crowded halls of life, searching hopelessly as if we were a freshman on our first day who just can't seem to remember where to be during his or her fourth period class.

Here is where I've really enjoyed Gahanna Lincoln. No matter how lost we may be, or how muddled our schedules have become, or how difficult our walk to the next proverbial class, I truly believe that there is always someone that each and every student here can call on for help. Whether it's from a teacher, a fellow student, or a close friend, Gahanna is an incredibly effective support system. We are a beautiful community and I respect you all immensely for that.

Now that this year is coming to an end, with it comes the end to one period in all of our lives. What's next is really nothing different than the mad scramble that which we've grown familiar over these past four years. Where we all end up is entirely a mystery, but each of my fellow seniors should know beyond doubt that we are all more than adequately prepared for the great hallway of human existence. We will all stumble, become disoriented, and sometimes forget where we're headed entirely. But, we're Lions. We come from one of the Top 100 Places to Live, circa 2007, and a long line of tradition before then. Remember, 2014, that we may only get six minutes to get where we're going, but sometimes the time we're given is enough to count.

So, to answer the big existential questions about high school: what would I change if I could start all over? The degree of tightness of my pants, freshman year, for starters. What would I tell my freshman self? Well, you only get a certain amount of time here, kid, so buy some different pants and learn what you can. How would I have done things differently if I could do it again? I wouldn't.

Would I do it again? You're damn right.

Reasoning behind my deep-seeded hatred of the education system

First, I'll assume that everyone reading this is already well aware of the fact that I'm not necessarily a massive fan of the American public education system. It's flawed beyond comprehension, and the reason that most people even within the system itself fail to understand those flaws is simple: the system is working.
To truly understand my perspective on public education, I'll take you all on a little journey back to my days as a bright-eyed and eager kindergartener. "Eager" for knowledge being the understatement of the century. I was, and still am, a sponge. I soaked up everything I heard. My parents would read to me every night, and it was always a one-way interaction. They would read to me, and I would watch and listen. It would not be until some time into my kindergarten year that they would understand the impact of this nightly routine. Little did they know, I had been reading quite well inside my own head for some time, thanks to the easygoing atmosphere while reading at home.
However, things in my kindergarten class were not as joyful and easygoing. My teacher was convinced that I was a terrible student, always causing a racket or being a "distraction." I was fidgety, constantly tapping my pencil, doodling, not paying any attention, and, as far as she was concerned, not learning anything. It was as consistent a routine as my nightly reading sessions that my teacher would walk me to my car after school and tell my mother in extensive detail my shortcomings and atrocious behavior throughout the school day. This led to many scoldings for me, and much confusion for my parents. Their bright and eager boy was a nuisance and a hellion in the school atmosphere. It was suggested that I should be tested for ADHD, ADD, autism, etc. What my teacher failed to realize was that I was none of these things: I was simply bored.
I took a reading test given to every kindergarten student in Ohio to decide where I would be placed for "reading group" or whatever. The state minimum requirement at the end of our kindergarten year was that every student would need a "level 3" reading proficiency. When I took my test near the beginning of that year, I scored a "level 44+." My teacher told my mother that she had simply run out of time to give me any more of the test, and that she was sure I could have continued. I was being taken much more seriously by my teacher, my tapping had ceased after the purchase of a drum set at home, and my creative energy was being more adequately focused.
Still, with her son as a senior in high school, my mom is at my old elementary school often and is constantly stopped by my kindergarten teacher. My former teacher apologizes every chance she gets, because she simply didn't understand what my "problem" was.
My story isn't uncommon. Every day, some teacher somewhere misunderstands their student, alerts parents of their child's misbehavior, and more than likely suggests some form of "treatment."
What many parents fail to realize is that the diagnosis for "syndromes" that their children "suffer" from are all based on a school setting. The Center for Disease Control diagnoses ADHD with the following symptoms:
" - Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or with other activities.
  - Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (e.g., loses focus, side-tracked).
 -  Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to do tasks that require mental effort over a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework).
 -  Often leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected.
 -  Often blurts out an answer before a question has been completed."
Essentially, any child who is not easily controlled or able to be forced into completing tasks that are typically mundane and monotonous is an easy diagnosis for ADD or ADHD. The public education system is using dangerous drugs to establish control over children, like myself, who are too bright and investigative to be tied down with simple and repetitive busywork. Creativity, artistic expression, and true critical thought is tarnished by the oppressive mentality of the education system and I was very nearly a product of that system. If not for the questions asked by my parents and the disbelief in what they were being told, I would not be writing this blog right now.

Another problem I have with this system is standardized testing. The end all, be all of any high school students career is the SAT or ACT test. Whether you realize it or not, you are being taught to do nothing more than succeed on a big final test where you will regurgitate irrelevant information to be reviewed by a queue of computers and scored based on your capability of regurgitation.
As an English fan, I'll just focus on the English perspective of these tests and the classes that prepare you for them. The SAT writing portion is an essay that is typically given under a time constraint of 30 minutes, but is to be graded in less than three. Graders of the SAT writing portion are actually given bonuses if they are able to grade an essay in less than two minutes. They are told to look for "big words" and structure more than fact based argument. Because they don't have time to fact-check an essay, the writer can literally make up anything he or she wants as long as it is written to the rubric. In fact, this "structure" that is so terribly important to success on the SAT is the typical five paragraph essay taught by all high school teachers in the United States. Although, why is it being taught if in the first year of college most of any English professor's time will be spent undoing the damage that is the five paragraph essay? The answer is simple: the system is working. Most of what you do in public high school is nothing more than test prep.
I could go on for hours about the egregious travesty of learning that is the American public education system, but I have to wake up bright and early to start it all again. Thanks for reading.

Spread the Word to End the Word Campaign

As a disclaimer, I'll just get this out of the way: this post may be perceived as offensive if the reader does not understand entirely my opinion and view on the Spread the Word Campaign. Do your best to understand where I am coming from.

I'd like to preface this post by first saying that I, in no way, think that those with special needs are to be seen as less than others. I feel that they should most definitely be treated with respect, along with everyone else. I have profound respect and admiration for those that work with special needs students and adults as well. I, myself, considered doing this in Gahanna's MD class during my study hall this year. After much deliberation, I decided I was not cut out for the job and the responsibility and patience it entails. These people, both those with special needs, their families, and their aides have my utmost respect and they truly are amazing people. Having been raised to always stand up for anyone being picked on or bullied and to always root for the underdog, I must also say that I am and always will be the first to help someone in a bullying situation. That is who I am, yet I just do not think that I have the immense amount of patience and compassion necessary for work with the special needs and those with disabilities. Again, I will reiterate: these people have a very special place in my heart and I will always hold them with much respect.

However, the Spread the Word to End the Word Campaign is something that infuriates me to my very core. Today was a very difficult day for me to make through, as the halls were cluttered with people donning the shirts saying, "Don't Dis My Ability." Of course, this slogan is well-intended as is the entire campaign. The problem that I saw simply was that it is doing nothing more than labeling these students for exactly what they are trying to deflect attention from. "Dis" and "ability" were the same size, color, and font on these shirts, making the reader first notice that a special needs child was wearing a shirt that very clearly spelled out, "disability." This not only draws attention to the disabled child, but draws attention specifically to their disability itself. It's as if every gay person, for example, one day were to wear a shirt that creatively spells out "fag" or "queer". Pardon my possible insensitivity here, but what does that slogan accomplish other than highlighting the very subject that they are wishing to suppress?

Another very popular and important part of this campaign are the very moving and powerful PSAs of all of our wonderful MD students explaining how it feels to be called "retarded". This of course is a massive tearjerker and would cause almost any person to stop and think about the things they say every day. Great. Again, there is nothing wrong with asking for a bit more (well deserved) respect. Although, it was brought to my attention by a very close friend of mine, whose sister has special needs, that those "tearjerkers" are not always what they seem. Many of the special needs students do not have the cognitive ability to understand what that word means as an insult unless they are explained very carefully. The students in those videos were spoon-fed moving phrases and were, in a sense, pressured into being offended. This got me thinking to say the least. How scared were those kids when they were taken into an unfamiliar situation and asked how unfamiliar words and phrases made them feel? How many tears in these videos are actually from being hurt by the word?

My third issue is a very simple one and has been a focus of many debates outside of the special needs world. The campaign is a war on a word. Granted, this word carries much social stigma and possibly hurtful feelings, but nevertheless is simply a word. The war to quell free speech is an age-old and hard fought battle. How effective can a campaign against a word actually be? Will it stop at a teacher asking a student to watch what they say? Or in other cases will it end in suspension? One student this week tweets, "Who tells the retarded kids that they're retarded?" I will not support this statement at all, and frankly I think it's pretty insensitive and very untactful in its phrasing. Yet, this student was suspended. A war on a word has gone outside the classroom, into the realm of social media, and, like many other things, has resulted in a "zero tolerance policy." Let me pose the question: what sense does a zero tolerance policy make in an effort to promote tolerance? It's illogical at best, however that is an issue less with the campaign itself and more with the education system (a system with many other obvious flaws).

The many good intents of this campaign are sadly strongly outweighed by the lack of tact and compassion that it so blatantly and excruciatingly portrays nationally, in the form of terrible slogans, etc. On a local standpoint, Gahanna could not be more generally supportive of our special needs programs and that in itself is beautiful and moving. I think that we all genuinely care about these kids, and I've only had to stand up to a few people in my four years at the high school. I am proud to admit that we are a very good school when it comes to doing the right thing and loving our neighbor, regardless of sexual preference, skin color, religion, or level of physical or mental ability. To my fellow GLHS students, I say nothing more than to keep up the good work.

In saying that, I think that we, as a school, need to take a hard look at the campaigns that we support and how exactly we support them. I have always supported this campaign, admittedly blindly, because I thought that it was doing great things in our school and community. I now realize that it is not quite how it seems. I have a shirt from every year of this campaign since freshman year, and I have worn them with pride. However, I will not be buying a shirt this year for obvious reasons.

As far as the intentions of this campaign are concerned, one thing is for sure: respect is deserved and should be shown by all people. Campaigning against a word will not make anyone more respectful than they already are, and that is very sad. Yet, I have faith that our school and the many students like myself who have respect for themselves and others will be willing to stand up and help our fellow classmates. We do, undoubtedly, need to respect these very strong individuals, as well as their families and those amazing people in the MD classrooms every day. I simply do not think that the Spread the Word to End the Word campaign does an adequate job of that.

I hope that my opinion goes over well, as I do not mean any disrespect or malicious intent. Thank you for reading. 

Something I wrote a few months ago

Time now pales in comparison

When once the blue of your veins

and small shadows of your body

were cast across my face. 

As we lay close, discovering only

that our bodies were molded more similarly

than we had once believed.

It was you who had shown me

what it meant to be everything but free.

Simple Instructions to Handling a Breakup with Class

If you're alive and not asexual, you'll probably be involved in a breakup eventually. Truth is, they're almost always terrible experiences filled with excessive amounts of pain. They suck. Yet, the cliche remains true: there are plenty of fish in the sea. If you're going through a breakup right now or are interested in simply how to keep on keeping on after an especially rough one, read on.

1. Take time to feel your emotions. Everyone handles emotion differently. Typically, a breakup is a really good way to figure out just how emotional of a person you are. A lot of different emotions will be flying around during and after a relationship ends and it is imperative that you understand and take the time to truly feel whatever it is that you're supposed to be feeling, which leads us to our second instruction.

2. Vent your emotions, healthily. Whether you are a writer, reader, talker, musician, dancer, athlete, etc., all of these things are healthy ways to handle emotion. Personally, I write, sing, play piano, uke, guitar, drums, whatever is closest to me (it helps that I play several instruments, #softflex). Take up a new hobby, take a boxing class, beat the ever-loving shit out of something (inanimate). Just feel and let that feeling escape you. It helps, seriously.

3. Listen to really sad music. I don't have any idea what causes it, but there's probably some deeper psychological meaning behind the fact that sad music just makes the heart able to feel and begin to repair itself. To suggest a couple stellar albums that have helped me immensely during breakups: Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie and For Emma, Forever Ago by Bon Iver. Both albums are devastating in both beauty and sadness and will rip your insides out from start to finish. But don't worry though, that's what you're hoping to achieve.

4. DO NOT, under any circumstance, defame the other person's character. Remember, even if they were the shittiest person you've ever dated and did nothing but tear YOU down, you're the one who dated them. At one point, you cared enough about them to notice the character flaws about them, small or large. In the end, tearing the other person down makes you look like the shittier person. It's better to move along as the seemingly uncaring person because that will hurt their pride much more than ceaselessly bashing their existence. This is how to handle a breakup with class, after all, and not how to be that jackass who is caught up on saying things about their ex.

5. If that person begins talking to another person, don't bash them either. You don't have to be happy for the other person, because let's face it, that would be moronic. No one is happy to see their ex being with someone else, especially if you're the one who got dumped. Nevertheless, bashing the new guy/girl openly won't do much else but make you seem bitter. Notice my use of the word openly, as I meant to place it there. Behind closed doors, with friends, in private conversations, go bat shit crazy. To be honest, it releases a lot of negative energy and just feels good. If what you say about new guy/girl is correct, your ex is going to realize that sooner or later and that will be much more satisfying without looking like the bitter asshole.

6. Be honest with yourself when asking whether or not a friendship after a dating relationship is a good idea. Sometimes people are just better off as friends and that's totally cool. Other times, that just isn't the case at all. Inevitably, that decision is up to you and you alone and I have no advice as far as that goes.

7. Make a list of what you have to offer. Whether mentally noting things or physically writing them with pen and paper, this step is important. It is especially important if you were the one being broken up with. The ego boost feels good and positive energy is necessary. Keep focus on the fact that you are a good person, unless you're just not. But odds are you're not that bad of a person, so make a list of things you like about yourself and think of it as a statement of what the other person is losing. If you believe you're a catch, odds are that someone else will too.

These instructions aren't in any specific order. Some of them are super cheesy and lame, but trust me they all help. Breakups suck, but it's a lot easier when you keep moving forward and don't let yourself mope or feel too sorry. After all, experience is the most important part of life. 

P.s. I'll be posting another personal piece I wrote a few months back fairly soon after this gets posted. I love all the positive feedback. You guys are great.

My first really personal piece. Be gentle.

Carve me into your limestone eyes
Perforate my soul; flow through me
You are a fickle sickness, immersed in inconsistency

Carry me through your hazel Sundays
When the greys of our town
Are streaked across the shadows in your gaze

Color my heart with sienna soil
Where your loving roots have made their home,
And bore fruitfully as you've watered my humanity

Cover me under your apricot skin
Filling every inch of your existence
With consideration and care beyond measure

Carve me into your limestone eyes
Knowing that they have drilled into me,
Further with every glance

Life Lately

Lately, a lot of things have crossed my mind. I've put a lot more energy and time into considering things that interest me and that are truly important. In doing this, I've deleted the twitter app from my phone, gotten coffee with old friends, began new relationships, ended those relationships, started new ones, etc.


A lesson I've learned is simply that everything changes. Days get shorter, nights get longer; seasons change; people enter and leave your life. Yet, all of it has a great universal purpose and I believe that firmly. I refuse to let the idea pass that, "some things just happen." Every person who has ever come into your life has had an effect on you, whether massive or minute.

Another lesson I've become very familiar with is that time is a very finite thing. One day, we're all going to wake up and it will be May 24, 2014 and it will be the end of a four year chapter in all of our lives. Personally, I had an amazing high school experience and it was filled with very good people who taught me a great deal about myself as well as the world. I am very excited to have experiences outside of high school and begin a new chapter of my life.

I've spent a lot of time doing personal writing in the form of poetry, the beginning works of a novel, and other outlets recently, as well. I'll post some of that here soon.

"When I was seventeen, my mother said to me, 'don't stop imagining: the day that you do is the day that you die'" - Youth Lagoon, 17, The Year of Hibernation

P.s. The album quoted above is phenomenal and I recommend it exuberantly.